Monday, March 29, 2010

Don't Forget! You're Here Forever

I’d had a lot of people ask me recently about my motivation for starting a blog. It’s part of the plan. The last couple of years have not been good, as I hinted last week, things at work are bad, I ended an engagement in the last 12 months, I’m broke as a result, and my weight is sky high, and my grandmother has been undergoing some huge life changes, putting a terrible strain on my mother. All of these things together make me feel panicky. The blog is the cornerstone of the “get my s%&t together plan”. With so much wrong it became a lot easier to come home and find a reason to sit in front of the television and feel sorry for myself. It wasn’t all bad, I know that I’m lucky, I have a job, I have a nice, new place, I have great friends, and family, but Cadie was the best thing I had. She was the most consistent thing I had. On the worst days I would climb into bed and pray that God not take her, I even tried bargaining, saying that I could cope with the loss of anything else, but not Cadie, I need to keep Cadie.

And really, the proof is in the pudding. I come home ready to crawl into bed with my coat on, and then I see Cadie, then I walk Cadie, and watch her chase a tennis ball in the park like a mad man, and I can feel my shoulders relaxing, my breathing getting better, and my stomach starting to settle. I believe that were it not for Cadie I wouldn’t be sleeping at all.

Back to the plan, the blog fills a central role in the plan. By forcing myself to finish every day focusing on the one thing that has been consistently good, and thoroughly mine, I am retraining my mind so that I can take my next steps.

As I said, I am almost finished getting my home in order, and that is a huge relief. With this in place I can now refocus on getting my job, and more importantly, my career back on track. When I feel like I have a handle on this, I can start to worry about my weight, and the finances will improve, but this will take the longest time, and really I should start working on this sooner rather than later.

I have a couple of mantras, the fist is, Nothing bad can happen to me, the second is by far my favourite: Don’t Forget You’re Here Forever. I know it sounds awful, but it keeps me moving. There’s a story attached to it, one that really spoke to me when I heard it.

So that’s it. I blog because I love Cadie; I blog because I want something better for myself than what I currently have, and so far, this is easiest part of my plan, and I do it for her.

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